Apparently, I just got back from lunch. While I was at it, I had me and “Manang Salve” eating together, facing each other. She was supposed to be our housemaid, but more like I already treated her like my second grand mom, I’m like her second grandson.
Because she isn’t just a “housemaid,” but somehow, she became part of our family.
While we were eating, she brought up the topic of my youngest brother. I’ll just name him “Vince” for fuck’s sake.
So yeah, she confessed to me, that Vince… apparently was being too nice to his playmates. One of them is my cousin, and the other one is one of our neighbors. What happens is simply, when his playmates buy some food, they share it among themselves, but when Vince buys his food… he shares it to them. Nothing wrong with giving… except that, it’s getting too much.
Every time they’ll go here, at some point, it will always happen. There are times that my mom left us nothing (I don’t mind for myself, but what about my brother?) and then this rich kid cousin of mine… Well, she always get some allowance from her mom so yeah…. You know. And then when they buy food, sometimes I see my brother //eyezooms// at that Oishii snack both of his playmates have… They would even hide it from my little brother.
It’s such a very trivial thing, to be honest. But what I am afraid of is, what about if he grows up? He’s naturally too nice, too selfless for friends, but when I try to even have a piece of his chip snack, he wouldn’t even bother listening to me.
I am afraid that he will grow up, similar to how I did….
I was being bullied back in my young, innocent years, and I have the urge to fightback, but my parents always say “Pagpasensyahan mo na sila…” (Always be patient to them.) ALWAYS.
I was never taught to even defend myself whenever I try telling my mom some of the stories… Only a few out of the many things that happened. She will simply end the conversation trying to convince me to be patient. So the next thing is, she doesn’t know a thing anymore.
Sure. I listened to her. I’ve kept up with them. I followed my parents orders. I extended my patience to the best that I can. I survived through the years of my elementary and lately, high school since they were questioning my sexuality from time to time, which offended me… A LOT.
But I just realized things… Sometime before I got into 4th year high school. When I got curious of everything.
I never realized that being too selfless isn’t healthy either. My mom would actually tell me by that time… “Bakit ang bait-bait mo sa mga kaibigan mo?” (Why are you so kind to your friends?) Back then, I can’t answer. Because I never knew the answer to that very simple question.
BUT NOW, I DO.
“It’s because mom, dad, you taught me to be nice to everyone. You’ve always told me to keep up with them. To be patient with my younger brother (the middle child) who physically abuses me from time to time—— and I never fought back, since I am the eldest. I should always be patient, right?
“And now, you’re wondering why I was so different when I actually fought back when we had a fight? It’s because I’ve suppressed my feelings for so long. I can forgive everyone, BUT I CAN NEVER FORGET.”
I followed what they said. I’ve been patient. I’ve been nice. I meet so many people, but have I made a real friend? I want someone I can trust to, yet, I can not find a single person. It’s not because he doesn’t exist, but it’s because I’ve suppressed my feelings for too long—— and now, I don’t know how to be vulnerable to someone anymore.
I can not trust anyone anymore… Because I can not show my bad side… What if they can’t accept me? Will I lose them? So I always have to be too nice.
I even remembered that little girl in my elementary years… Who used to mock me stuff…. I can fight back, but I chose not to. Even though I actually wished she was dead. (I was still a kid… but I had these thoughts already? LOL.) I may have forgiven her, even though she hasn’t said a single sorry. But I will never forget it. Because I listened to my parents, I’ve been patient….
I’m simply afraid Vince will grow up like me. I never want that. I want to tell him to be selfish just a little, to fight back and not to be too nice. To show his confidence, like how he always poses and does “Mister Handsome” at home. I want him to be as sarcastic as he does when he talks with mom. He has the strength, but never chooses to show it. I don’t want him ending up being taken for granted, like me.
Because… the nicest people, are the ones who are taken for granted, the most.
I may not be the best brother, but I will always watch them, even my mom doesn’t know I actually do.
Sorry. I got caught up again with my past. I know I am a better person now. I have meet people, I’m more sociable, but the damage will never be repaired. It’s already permanent.